"When darkness veils it's lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace." ~Edward Mote

I know it’s been a long time….there are a couple reasons for this:

1.  We’ve had company all summer and we’ve had a wonderful time.  Most days I think I’d sit at the computer for about 15 minutes and then race away to make dinner or attend to the kids.  We had grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters…you name it, they were here.  It was a lot of fun, but it was a full and busy around here.  And,

2.  I had to take a break.  I had to refocus.  Sometimes I get stuck in the rut of pain and it’s hard for me to get out.  That in and of itself is a whole other post, but I’ll save that for later.

During all of the fun, we found out that I was pregnant again.  Baby number five will come the beginning of March.  We’re excited, but we’re nervous.  Pregnancy is not always easy for us, and precautions need to be taken.  We spoke with our doctor and we’ve set up a plan for the next couple of months.  We’re hoping and praying that things will be easier then last time.  

Fear is my biggest struggle.  I have struggled with fear and vain imaginations for as long as I can remember.  When I’m pregnant, and especially since Eli passed away, fear can grip me and it can grip me quickly if I don’t give it over to Jesus quickly.  It’s a constant battle for me.

This past year we’ve been walking alongside friends who are grieving.  Three of whom had stillborn babies and the other two their babies passed away from SIDS at four months.   It has been a difficult and trying year for our friends, and we have been able to see God’s glory be revealed through Eli’s death by talking and sharing with each of these ladies (and husbands), some in a small way and others much deeper, what Jesus has taught us through the loss of a child.   We have been blessed to get to know these families in a deeper way and to share a struggle that is so deep and so hard to walk through.

Because the loss of a child is so real to our family, I struggle with fear that something will happen in the pregnancy or after the child is born.  It is a fear that can grip me so tightly I’d lose my breath.  It is something that I daily pray against or push so far out of the way that I cause myself to not even feel.  Because we’ve been walking with these families, I can quickly jump on an idea that something similar is going to happen to us.  When I do that, I’m not trusting in my Lord, but instead in my fear and my imagination.

Our prayer is that we have a healthy child, but moreso that we’d believe and hold fast to Jesus’ sovereignty.   He is the Maker.  The Creator of each of our children.  Our children have fulfilled His plan or are currently fulfilling it.   He knows what is best for us and what is right.  His hand is in everything and every detail of each of our children and in our lives.  If the Lord has us walk through the desert again, so be it, because He knows what is best.  We have nothing to fear. 

We feel very honored and blessed to be where we are now.  We would not have learned the things we learned if we hadn’t had the experiences that we’ve had.  Those experiences can cause us to run away from our Lord or cause us to run into Him.  We want to run into Him.  Knowing that we’re safe there and we trust His plan. 

I am praying that fear does not grip me, so that I can enjoy the season that the Lord has put me in.  That each time we hear that sweet heartbeat we would be overjoyed and anxious for that precious little one’s arrival.  If a hard season is ahead, I trust that Jesus is there holding our hands and walking us through.

^{Psalm 139}

¹O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

²You  know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from afar.
³You search out my path and my lying down
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴Even before a word is on my tongue,
   behold, O LORD,  you know it altogether.
⁵You  hem me in, behind and before,
   and lay your hand upon me.
⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
   it is high; I cannot attain it.

 ⁷Where shall I go from your Spirit?
   Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹If I take the wings of the morning
   and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰even there your hand shall lead me,
   and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
   and the light about me be night,”
¹²even the darkness is not dark to you;
   the night is bright as the day,
   for darkness is as light with you.

 ¹³For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.

 ¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you.

 ¹⁹Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
   O men of blood, depart from me!
²⁰They speak against you with malicious intent;
   your enemies take your name in vain!
²¹Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
   And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
²²I hate them with complete hatred;
   I count them my enemies.

 ²³Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴And see if there be any grievous way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting!

My Mom mentioned once that I was a nomad.  I didn’t stay in one spot for too long, and if I did, I was usually traveling a lot.  Before college and during college, I was travelling for missions trips and went to school in Georgia.  It didn’t stop when Mike and I got married.  We travelled the country for three months in a motor home and saw a lot of the country.  We returned to Massachusetts, packed up the motor home with wedding presents and headed to Seattle.  We’ve always loved travelling and the kids like it too, which has been a lot of fun.

Top Ten Favorite Travels:

1.  Hawaii.  Six months after we had Tullie, Mike was asked to go to Hawaii for work and work in their office for a week.  How could someone refuse that?  Mike asked me to tag along.  My mom flew out from Massachusetts and watched the kids, and Mike and I spent a week in Paradise.  Mike worked.  I read books on the beach and strolled around Waikiki.  It was a wonderful restful time after having Tullie.  Very much needed rest. 

2. Mexico.  Well, we’ve both been there a few times, but this time, was certainly an adventure.  We were visiting Mike’s dad during our whirlwind-three-month-motor-home-honeymoon trip, and at the time Mike’s dad would take youth groups down to Juarez, Mexico and build houses in a week for families.  So, we decided to tag along in our cool jalope of a motor home.  We helped build two houses, went to church in Mexico, hung out with a crazy youth group, brush up on my not-so-good spanish and got to know Mike’s family a bit better. 

3. Chappaquiddick.  Well, this was just a dream come true for me….Growing up in Massachusetts, Martha’s Vineyard, was sort of a far fetched beautiful ideal place to visit.  It’s hard to get to in the summer.  It’s expensive to stay there.  Crazy rich people everywhere, but wonderful all at the same time.  Beautiful.  Gorgeous.  We have friends in Seattle and his parents have a place on Chappaquiddick, a small island off of Martha’s Vineyard, and we all planned our trips back East last summer together, so that we could spend a week together on the island.  Bliss.  Pure bliss.  Beautiful bliss.  I’d like to go back.  Oh, and I saw Meg Ryan stroll by at the 4th of July parade.  I took everything in my, not to act all crazy star struck. 

4. New York City.  I always wanted to go to New York City, but never had the opportunity until last summer.  Mike was working in New Jersey for a week, while I stayed with the kids at my parent’s house in Massachusetts.  My parents were gracious enough to hang with the kids for a couple of days, so I took off and met Mike in the Big Apple for two days.  We strolled around.  We saw a TON of stuff.  I was in heaven.  A bike ride in Central Park.  A walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.  Over stimulated at Time Square.  The works.  I could move to NYC in an instant.  Mike wouldn’t even have to talk to me about it.  I’d start packing the minute he told me we were moving.  I love it there.   Wonderful. 

5. Mt. Rushmore.  Ok, this is sort of a drive by.  But it’s funny.  And we can say that we’ve been there and we’ve seen it.  We were planning on going to Mt. Rushmore and spending time there, but we had driven through the Badlands earlier that day.  We paid the $20 (or whatever it was) to drive through and when we got to Mt. Rushmore and saw that it was $20 more, we just couldn’t do that day.  BUT, there was no turn around, except through the parking lot and we got an amazing view of the the Presidents.  I was in a tank top and shorts and the tempeture had dropped about 30 degrees since we had gotten out of the car a few hours earlier.  Mike said, “Get out! Get out! Let’s get a picture!”  I hop out and shriek at the cold air slamming my body.  I stand there for 30 seconds chattering my teeth, while Mike took the picture.  It is by far the worst picture ever taken of me.  I think Mike also lost his sunglasses there…..

6. 13,500 miles.  Yes, that’s how many miles we drove on our 3 month honeymoon.  It was great!  We went from Boston to Seattle to San Diego to Austin to Mexico to Missouri to Boston back to Seattle.  It was fun!

7.  Seattle to Dallas in 34 hours with three kids.  We did not leave the car unless it was to go to the bathroom or get gas for 34 hours with three children.  Yes, we are crazy.  But we got to see our dear friends the Preskenis, the Preskenis and the Preskenis’.   We had a wonderful time with them and we would do it again.  Not sure when, but we will.  The kids did really well too.  It was right around the 32 hour mark we all kinda lost it at the same time, but we pushed through.

8. Whistler.  Vancouver, BC is gorgeous.  It’s gorgeous in the summer and the winter.  My cousin came to visit and we all took a trip up to Whistler to go snowboarding.  It was so fun and I was sore for a month afterwards. 

9. Mt. Rainier.  A couple of summers ago, Mike and I took the kids camping at Mt. Rainier.  So fun!!!!  The kids loved it and we had some much needed family hang time with smores, hot dogs, burgers, tents, dirt and some fun hikes.  Hopefully this summer we’ll have a lot of camping opportunities with the kids. 

10.  Eli’s trip.  About four months after Eli died,  Mike and I were done.  We were tired.  We were burnt out.  We had just had the summer from hell and we felt like we had to get out of town.  We had bought a motor home a couple of months before just for this purpose.  We left Seattle and headed to Dallas to see friends (and my parents happened to be stopping by there too).  Made our way to Albuquerque to see Mike’s dad.  Went to San Diego to see Mike’s sister and drove up Highway 101 and took our time back to Seattle.  Stopping in the Redwoods and staring at the ocean.  It was a wonderful refreshing time for us and our entire family.  We needed that.  Just to be alone a be our own unit for awhile.  Us and Jesus. It was good.  Really good. 

Crazy to think we’ve done so much….I wonder how much more we’ll do in the next 10 years….

April has come and gone.  I’m quite thankful.  I will say, however, that it was the best April in a long time.

Let me explain…

For the last several years, once the calendar would turn from March 31 to April 1, anxiety would start to well up inside of me.  I’d start thinking, “It’s coming.  Eli’s birthday.  It’s coming. What are we going to do?  How are we going to celebrate?  Do I want to be alone? Do I want to go out? Do I want to hide?”  There is this huge range of emotions that kinda go nuts inside of me.  I think I squash it down and hide it well in front of others, except for my husband an my children.  They get the brunt of my short temper and breakdowns. 

This year, I was talking to Mike about how “it” was coming and he said something to me, that I had to really think long and hard about.  Ellison’s birthday is April 10th.  I love this little, vivacious girl with all my heart, but sadly she has gotten some of the brunt of my dis-like of April.  Her birthday has come and gone with not much excitement from me in the past, because I have not been excited about April and all that it entails.  I am thrilled for her birthday, but that’s about it. 

In the past, Ellison has not gotten what she was due in April.  She has not gotten and excited, thrilled mamma.  Instead she’s gotten a mom who is happy for her birthday, but hates the rest of the month.  So, this year, Mike shared with me what was on his heart and how I needed to change my focus for Ellison.  He wasn’t saying that I shouldn’t remember Eli, but he was saying that I had to make Ellison a big deal.  Simply because she is and we love her.  Every single little fiber of her amazingly huge personality.

Ellison’s birthday was fun.  For ten days, we reveled in Ellison.  We talked about her birthday coming and she couldn’t stand it.  By the time it showed up, I thought that our little girl was going to pass out from excitement!  She is bigger then life.  Seriously.  She is simply amazing and so totally opposite of me, but so totally alike at the same time.  Friends came for dinner.  She got wonderful gifts and we all loved on her BIG time. 

The rest of April kinda screeched by.  Eli’s birthday came with saddness and joy.  Saddness, because we miss him terribly, but joy because we’ll see him again. 

Anniversaries of those who have passed away are weird things.  They’re kinda awkward and I’ve always felt helpless and really unsure of my feelings.  I know what my feelings are, but should I push them down and pretend that I’m fine or lock myself up and embrace my feelings and be alone?  It’s all just weird.  I am grateful, though, that on this side of heaven, things are ugly and messy and never tidy, but on the other side things are beautiful and perfect.  I look forward to that.  I look forward to the beautiful and perfect.  To the day where we’re all at Jesus’ feet celebrating amazing birthdays with all my children at the right time.  When all of heaven is able to sing “Happy Birthday” to Ellison and to Eli just a couple of weeks apart. 

I’m learning to embrace April.  It’s just a month filled up with 30 days.  Each of those 30 days has something different that has been etched out by Jesus.  For us April 10th, is our daughter birthday.  April 25th is our son’s birthday and April 26th is the day our son went to be with Jesus.  Days, in which things are to be celebrated and things are to be remembered.  However, on each of those days, Jesus ordained them.  He created them.  He is to be glorified in them.  So, that’s what I’ll do.  I’ll glorify Jesus and celebrate my children in those special days. 

April’s not so bad…

Fact, Faith, and Experience were walking along the top of a wall.  Fact walked steadily on, turning neither to right nor left and never looking behind.  Faith followed, and all went well so long as he kept his eyes focused upon Fact; but as soon as he became concerned about Experience and turned to see how he was getting on, he lost his balance and tumbled off the wall, and poor old Experience fell down after him.

All temptation is primarily to look within; to take our eyes off the Lord and to take account of appearanaces.  Faith is always meeting a mountain, a mountain of evidence that seems to contradict God’s Word, a mountain of apparent contradiction in the realm of tangible fact-of failures in deed, as well as in the realm of feeling and suggestion-and either faith or the mountain has to go.  They cannot both stand.  But the trouble is that many a time the mountain stays and faith goes.  That must not be.  If we resort to our senses to discover truth, we shall find Satan’s lies are often enough true to our experience; but if we refuse to accept as binding anything that contradicts God’s Word and maintain an attitude of faith in Him alone, we shall find instead that Satan’s lies begin to dissolve and that our experince is coming progressively to tally with that Word.  (Watchman Nee, The Normal Christian Life, 1961, p. 59-60)

I read this a few months back when I had started my Stepping Heavenward Bible Study, and when I read it I liked it, but I didn’t gleam too much from it.  This time, however, I was asked to re-read it, and well….it hit me.  It hit me pretty hard. 

How many times, have I had a Fact all neatly wrapped up in my head and then had an Experience then lost my Faith?  Well, that’s a simple answer.  Many, many times. 

John Piper, made a statement in the sermon, “Subjected to Hope”, that when we have an Experience that is so life shaking and rocks our world, if we don’t have faith and trust in the sovereignty of God then we will lose all faith.  That we’ll shake our fists and walk away from Him.  I believe that.  I believe that to the core of my being. 

We life throws us curve balls and when all hell breaks lose, we must have faith.  Faith that Jesus can move the mountain.  Faith that Jesus is in control.  Faith that we believe in a Sovereign God.  Faith that Jesus is who He says that He is.  Faith enough to know that nothing comes to us that has not first passed through His sovereign hand.  Faith that He’s there.  He’s in the midst of the storm with us.  Walking with us.  Holding us.

A couple of years ago, Steven Curtis Chapman, a Christian singer, lost his youngest daughter to an accident in their driveway. His son was driving the car and didn’t see her and accidentally struck her. She passed away later on that day. The whole event is tragic and devestating on so many levels that it’s really hard to wrap your head around it.

This family has gone through grief and struggle and Chapman put out a new album, called Beauty Will Rise, and frankly, I think it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve heard. It’s honest. It’s raw. It’s real. Most importantly, it’s hopeful. It is the most real thing that I’ve heard in contemporary Christian music and maybe that’s why it felt like a bit of fresh air to me. He talks about his struggle and his pain, but he also talks about his hope, and well….it’s simply beautiful. I cried while I listened to it the first time. And each time since, I’ll catch myself with a little tear of comfort in my eye.

Our God is in Control
Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
And our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We’ll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we’ll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we’ll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we’re waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control

And we’ll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we’ll sing holy, holy, holy is our God
While we’re waiting for that day

We’re waiting for that day
We’ll keep on waiting for that day
And we will rise
Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy) x2

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)

Our God is in control

(Holy, holy, holy)