1.  We’ve had company all summer and we’ve had a wonderful time.  Most days I think I’d sit at the computer for about 15 minutes and then race away to make dinner or attend to the kids.  We had grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters…you name it, they were here.  It was a lot of fun, but it was a full and busy around here.  And,

2.  I had to take a break.  I had to refocus.  Sometimes I get stuck in the rut of pain and it’s hard for me to get out.  That in and of itself is a whole other post, but I’ll save that for later.

During all of the fun, we found out that I was pregnant again.  Baby number five will come the beginning of March.  We’re excited, but we’re nervous.  Pregnancy is not always easy for us, and precautions need to be taken.  We spoke with our doctor and we’ve set up a plan for the next couple of months.  We’re hoping and praying that things will be easier then last time.  

Fear is my biggest struggle.  I have struggled with fear and vain imaginations for as long as I can remember.  When I’m pregnant, and especially since Eli passed away, fear can grip me and it can grip me quickly if I don’t give it over to Jesus quickly.  It’s a constant battle for me.

This past year we’ve been walking alongside friends who are grieving.  Three of whom had stillborn babies and the other two their babies passed away from SIDS at four months.   It has been a difficult and trying year for our friends, and we have been able to see God’s glory be revealed through Eli’s death by talking and sharing with each of these ladies (and husbands), some in a small way and others much deeper, what Jesus has taught us through the loss of a child.   We have been blessed to get to know these families in a deeper way and to share a struggle that is so deep and so hard to walk through.

Because the loss of a child is so real to our family, I struggle with fear that something will happen in the pregnancy or after the child is born.  It is a fear that can grip me so tightly I’d lose my breath.  It is something that I daily pray against or push so far out of the way that I cause myself to not even feel.  Because we’ve been walking with these families, I can quickly jump on an idea that something similar is going to happen to us.  When I do that, I’m not trusting in my Lord, but instead in my fear and my imagination.

Our prayer is that we have a healthy child, but moreso that we’d believe and hold fast to Jesus’ sovereignty.   He is the Maker.  The Creator of each of our children.  Our children have fulfilled His plan or are currently fulfilling it.   He knows what is best for us and what is right.  His hand is in everything and every detail of each of our children and in our lives.  If the Lord has us walk through the desert again, so be it, because He knows what is best.  We have nothing to fear. 

We feel very honored and blessed to be where we are now.  We would not have learned the things we learned if we hadn’t had the experiences that we’ve had.  Those experiences can cause us to run away from our Lord or cause us to run into Him.  We want to run into Him.  Knowing that we’re safe there and we trust His plan. 

I am praying that fear does not grip me, so that I can enjoy the season that the Lord has put me in.  That each time we hear that sweet heartbeat we would be overjoyed and anxious for that precious little one’s arrival.  If a hard season is ahead, I trust that Jesus is there holding our hands and walking us through.

^{Psalm 139}

¹O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

²You  know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from afar.
³You search out my path and my lying down
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴Even before a word is on my tongue,
   behold, O LORD,  you know it altogether.
⁵You  hem me in, behind and before,
   and lay your hand upon me.
⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
   it is high; I cannot attain it.

 ⁷Where shall I go from your Spirit?
   Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹If I take the wings of the morning
   and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰even there your hand shall lead me,
   and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
   and the light about me be night,”
¹²even the darkness is not dark to you;
   the night is bright as the day,
   for darkness is as light with you.

 ¹³For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.

 ¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you.

 ¹⁹Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
   O men of blood, depart from me!
²⁰They speak against you with malicious intent;
   your enemies take your name in vain!
²¹Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
   And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
²²I hate them with complete hatred;
   I count them my enemies.

 ²³Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴And see if there be any grievous way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting!

Carry one anothers burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  Galatians 6:2

To walk beside those who grieve you need to be committed to the journey.  The journey is long and arduous.  The end is not in sight.  Over time the pain eases, but it is forever present.  Until the reunion in heaven, grief and sorrow is a part of our life on this earth.

As the friends to those who are grieving and working through the loss of a child, be in prayer for them.  The best things that friends can do is pray for their hurting friends.  Pray with a vengence.  Pray that their faith will remain steadfast in Jesus-in God’s sovereign grace and mercy.  Pray that their hope will be in the One who created them and who has ordained our steps.   Pray that the Holy Spirit will hold them up.  Hold them up when their legs and feet are too weak to stand.  Pray that if they have other children, that Jesus will protect their hearts.  That their little minds will ask questions, but that they will also receive an amazing understand and trust in our God. 

It’s easy to be there for friends in the beginning.  Smother them with meals, flowers, words and love.  These things are wonderful and helpful, but the coming weeks are still hard.  The pain doesn’t ease quickly.  It takes time.  Reach out, but respect their wishes if they want to be alone and stay as a close family unit for awhile.  

It’s ok to not say anything.  One thing that people often think is that words will help the pain go away.  If we can say something to “help” then we’ll feel like we’ve been wise and helpful, when really they are empty words.  It’s ok to say that you don’t know what to say.  The Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don’t have words.  Hugs and tears from a friend are at most times very comforting.

Listen.  Listen to friends who are grieving.  Be patient and listen to their hurting heart.  Pray as you listen.  Let the Holy Spirit guide your words and love your friends where they are at. 

Grief and loss is the hardest thing in the world.  The best thing we can do as friends is pray and be available when they’re ready to talk and listen with attentive ears and loving hearts. 

  And the LORD will guide you continually
   and satisfy your desire in scorched places
   and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
   like a spring of water,
   whose waters do not fail.   Isaiah 58:11

Though we go through suffering and grief, our Lord is with us.  He is guiding us and our friends who are suffering.  He strengthens us and makes us whole.  His Spirit intercedes for us when we have no words.   He prunes us.  He waters us.  He makes us into His beautiful garden.  That is hopeful, but at the same time painful. 

Pray my dear friends.  Pray without ceasing.

Top Ten Favorite Travels:

1.  Hawaii.  Six months after we had Tullie, Mike was asked to go to Hawaii for work and work in their office for a week.  How could someone refuse that?  Mike asked me to tag along.  My mom flew out from Massachusetts and watched the kids, and Mike and I spent a week in Paradise.  Mike worked.  I read books on the beach and strolled around Waikiki.  It was a wonderful restful time after having Tullie.  Very much needed rest. 

2. Mexico.  Well, we’ve both been there a few times, but this time, was certainly an adventure.  We were visiting Mike’s dad during our whirlwind-three-month-motor-home-honeymoon trip, and at the time Mike’s dad would take youth groups down to Juarez, Mexico and build houses in a week for families.  So, we decided to tag along in our cool jalope of a motor home.  We helped build two houses, went to church in Mexico, hung out with a crazy youth group, brush up on my not-so-good spanish and got to know Mike’s family a bit better. 

3. Chappaquiddick.  Well, this was just a dream come true for me….Growing up in Massachusetts, Martha’s Vineyard, was sort of a far fetched beautiful ideal place to visit.  It’s hard to get to in the summer.  It’s expensive to stay there.  Crazy rich people everywhere, but wonderful all at the same time.  Beautiful.  Gorgeous.  We have friends in Seattle and his parents have a place on Chappaquiddick, a small island off of Martha’s Vineyard, and we all planned our trips back East last summer together, so that we could spend a week together on the island.  Bliss.  Pure bliss.  Beautiful bliss.  I’d like to go back.  Oh, and I saw Meg Ryan stroll by at the 4th of July parade.  I took everything in my, not to act all crazy star struck. 

4. New York City.  I always wanted to go to New York City, but never had the opportunity until last summer.  Mike was working in New Jersey for a week, while I stayed with the kids at my parent’s house in Massachusetts.  My parents were gracious enough to hang with the kids for a couple of days, so I took off and met Mike in the Big Apple for two days.  We strolled around.  We saw a TON of stuff.  I was in heaven.  A bike ride in Central Park.  A walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.  Over stimulated at Time Square.  The works.  I could move to NYC in an instant.  Mike wouldn’t even have to talk to me about it.  I’d start packing the minute he told me we were moving.  I love it there.   Wonderful. 

5. Mt. Rushmore.  Ok, this is sort of a drive by.  But it’s funny.  And we can say that we’ve been there and we’ve seen it.  We were planning on going to Mt. Rushmore and spending time there, but we had driven through the Badlands earlier that day.  We paid the $20 (or whatever it was) to drive through and when we got to Mt. Rushmore and saw that it was $20 more, we just couldn’t do that day.  BUT, there was no turn around, except through the parking lot and we got an amazing view of the the Presidents.  I was in a tank top and shorts and the tempeture had dropped about 30 degrees since we had gotten out of the car a few hours earlier.  Mike said, “Get out! Get out! Let’s get a picture!”  I hop out and shriek at the cold air slamming my body.  I stand there for 30 seconds chattering my teeth, while Mike took the picture.  It is by far the worst picture ever taken of me.  I think Mike also lost his sunglasses there…..

6. 13,500 miles.  Yes, that’s how many miles we drove on our 3 month honeymoon.  It was great!  We went from Boston to Seattle to San Diego to Austin to Mexico to Missouri to Boston back to Seattle.  It was fun!

7.  Seattle to Dallas in 34 hours with three kids.  We did not leave the car unless it was to go to the bathroom or get gas for 34 hours with three children.  Yes, we are crazy.  But we got to see our dear friends the Preskenis, the Preskenis and the Preskenis’.   We had a wonderful time with them and we would do it again.  Not sure when, but we will.  The kids did really well too.  It was right around the 32 hour mark we all kinda lost it at the same time, but we pushed through.

8. Whistler.  Vancouver, BC is gorgeous.  It’s gorgeous in the summer and the winter.  My cousin came to visit and we all took a trip up to Whistler to go snowboarding.  It was so fun and I was sore for a month afterwards. 

9. Mt. Rainier.  A couple of summers ago, Mike and I took the kids camping at Mt. Rainier.  So fun!!!!  The kids loved it and we had some much needed family hang time with smores, hot dogs, burgers, tents, dirt and some fun hikes.  Hopefully this summer we’ll have a lot of camping opportunities with the kids. 

10.  Eli’s trip.  About four months after Eli died,  Mike and I were done.  We were tired.  We were burnt out.  We had just had the summer from hell and we felt like we had to get out of town.  We had bought a motor home a couple of months before just for this purpose.  We left Seattle and headed to Dallas to see friends (and my parents happened to be stopping by there too).  Made our way to Albuquerque to see Mike’s dad.  Went to San Diego to see Mike’s sister and drove up Highway 101 and took our time back to Seattle.  Stopping in the Redwoods and staring at the ocean.  It was a wonderful refreshing time for us and our entire family.  We needed that.  Just to be alone a be our own unit for awhile.  Us and Jesus. It was good.  Really good. 

Crazy to think we’ve done so much….I wonder how much more we’ll do in the next 10 years….

1. We found out that I was pregnant with Josiah while we were visiting the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon wasn’t quite so grand after that. We walked around in a crazy excited state. We need to go back to experience the depthness and amazingness of the Grand Canyon with the kids one day.

2. Josiah Isaac showed up on February 11, 2004.

3. Tullie Rose showed up on June 13, 2005.

4. Eli Preston showed up on April 25, 2006.

5. Ellison Reese showed up on April 10, 2007.

6. We have had a few tight spots financially over the years. Tighter then usual. But each time Jesus provided. He provided for us financially, physically, spiritually and in our marriage.

7. We moved to Seattle, sight unseen (well, it was sort of seen, because we drove through and spent a little bit of time here on our honeymoon) to go to Mars Hill Church. Jesus has used Mars Hill drop some misconceptions that we had theologically. He’s used Mars Hill to provide friendships and community in the times of our deepest need. Jesus has used Mars Hill to bring us closer to Him, with one another and our children. We have been beyond blessed to be a part of this community and to watch and participate in it’s amazing growth in the last ten years.

8. Jesus has used tragedy and life experiences of the last ten years to become seriously broken hearted. To humble us in front of Him. To lean into Him when we were wasting away and trying to walk on our own. His glory has been displayed through tragedy and we continue to see that in a new way frequently. Jesus is good. He has taken care of us, and will continue to do so.

9. We have NO Land Cruisers on our property at the moment.  Seriously, THIS is amazing. (I stand corrected.  I thought we had one or two out there.)

10. We are not the same two people that got married ten years ago. We’re different. We’ve stretched. We’re better. It’s all simply by God’s grace and mercy. Every survival. Every thing learned, is simply Jesus. We did nothing, except ask for Him to help us. That is amazing. Jesus. He has carried us through.

Our ten year anniversary is on Thursday.  Well, I’m kinda excited about this.  I was telling Mike that I felt like we should be celebrating our 20th, because of our life experiences in the last ten years, it seems like we’ve been married longer.  He countered with saying that he felt like we’ve been married FOREVER!  Which I’ll take as a compliment, because I’m ready to be married for forever with him, and we’re well on our way. 

So, since it’s a ten year anniversary, I’d figure that I’d do a Top Ten every day till Thursday (hopefully).  I thought of this because….of our pal David Letterman.  I’ve never really been a huge fan of Dave, but I will say that I remember spending winter break at my friend Kelly’s house when I was in high school watching the Winter Olympics when they were in Lillihammer.  We’d stay up way to late waiting for the figure skating and I think it was the year of the Kerrigan/Harding debacal, which just made it all the more interesting.  Since we were up, and we had nothing better to do the next morning, because we were on winter break and we could stay up late and sleep in, we would watch Dave’s mom give the Top Ten and laugh for about 10 minutes and comment about how cute his mom was and how we weren’t really huge fans of Dave’s, but we liked his mom.  She was such a trooper.  Dave’s mom, that is. So, I was thinking about how Kelly and I would watch Dave together and the whole Top Ten, and Dave’s mom, and I figured that I’d give it a shot in regards to my marriage over the last ten years.  And, it’s also a good way to lighten things up around here, because I guess I’m not always very funny on my blog, but rather very serious, which isn’t bad, but it’s also good to have fun.  In all honesty, Jesus and laughter has gotten Mike and I through the last ten years and I think that that will bring us through the next 50+.

SO! Here it is!  The first Top Ten List.  Drum roll please….

Top Ten Funniest Things in the Last 10 Years:  (you may or may not think that these are funny, but we do.)

1. We have had 200+ vehicles come through our “hands” over the last 10 years.  This includes and not limited to: a boat, a couple of forklifts (which I DO NOT like to talk about), Land Cruisers, jet skies (the most recent), motor homes, John Deere tractors and the like.

2. We were on a divided highway in Texas around 10 or 11 at night on our way to visit friends in Austin.  Mike and I were in a huge argument (I have no idea what the problem was).  His window was open while he was driving and his cup holder that hooked onto the door flew out of the window, because his hand/arm knocked it out of place.  When Mike realized that he lost it, he slammed on the breaks (there was no one on the road, seriously, no one!  After all it is Texas.  People can spread out there.) and put the motorhome in reverse and backed up to get this one dollar cup holder that he claimed was his favorite!  I think I was probably yelling at him, because he didn’t say what he was doing, but when he told me that he was getting his cup holder, I busted a gut.  I have no idea where said cup holder is now, but I do know that it made it through the rest of our trip and back to Seattle where we got our first apartment.  The cup holder may be back East, because the folks who bought the motor home were from Maryland and drove the jalope back  across the country for the third time in 3 1/2 months. 

3.  We were in Sturgis, Michigan and we got a flat tire in the motor home on our first trip across the country.  We were waiting for it to be repaired and we picked up some coffee at a gas station.  The teller there said, “Ya know that coffee is hawt.”  We said, “Yes.” He says, “Well, I just tellin’ ya, cause I don’t want ya suein’ me like that lady at MacDonald’s!” 

4.  We had some rat issues a couple of years ago.  I still hate rats with a passion, and one night (or very early morning like 5 ish, which I still consider night) a rat scurried into our room.  YES.  OUR ROOM!!! And my very brave husband gave the rat a heart attack by suffocating it.  Or maybe I gave it a heart attack from my screams?  I have a very hot, rat wrangler for a husband, for which I am very thankful.

5. I may or may not have stood under the bucket of a bucket truck when my husband was trimmin our large privacy trees and got knocked in the head with a falling branch right after I put on a hard hat.  Good idea for the hard hat, not a good idea to stand underneath your working husband who is high in the air with large clippers in his hands, cutting off  large branches of tall trees. 

6. We slept one night in a place called Muskgogee, Oklahoma.  It’s hot there.  It’s really hot.  It’s also really humid.  Like insanely humid.  I think that the name Muskgogee is a good fit for the town because it’s so humid and hot.  Mike couldn’t sleep and we were at a truck stop for the night that was really loud and very busy.  But mostly, it was just insanely hot! Did I mention that it’s humid there?  It was really humid too.  I can sleep anywhere.  Unbeknowest to me, Mike went into the store and bought a fan that could be plugged into the cigarette lighter.  I woke up to Mike saying, “Can you feel it? Can you feel it?” while he was adjusting the fan in hopes that he would be able to feel it when he got into bed.  I am a grouchy waker uper, but in this instance I was laughing about the whole thing.  I guess I was trying to make light of the humid, hot, heavy heat that was suffocating us. 

7. When we were in the Public Gardens in Boston we may or may not have climbed a tree that was not suppose to be climbed by the duck pond.  Did I mention that an officer was walking around underneath said tree?

8.  After we had lived in Seattle for almost a year, Mike and I still hadn’t developed a really solid friendship.  A lot of acquaintinces, but not a good friendship.  So, we decided to pray for a couple that we would both get a long with.  A couple of weeks later, Mike was fixing someone’s toilet, and well, we’ve been friends with them ever since. 

9. I’ve had three c-sections and my husband still makes me laugh less then a day after the surgery and I scream in pain.  I made a rule that we couldn’t laugh for two weeks and be dull, dull, dull, but it doesn’t work.  Note to self: Don’t watch “50 First Dates” less then a week after a c-section.  I nearly broke my stitches.  I’m not kidding either.

10. When we first moved to Seattle, we didn’t have any friends, so we’d play a lot of board games and put puzzles together.  We bought Monoply.  Mike beat me 8 times in a row.  I won the 9th time and he hasn’t beat me since.  He taught me how to win, and now I think he may regret it…  I get a little competitive when we play games.  Just a little.

We have had many many funny times together and there are so many that sometimes it’s hard to think of them all.  I’m really excited for all of the future funniness that is to happen around here.