April

April has come and gone.  I’m quite thankful.  I will say, however, that it was the best April in a long time.

Let me explain…

For the last several years, once the calendar would turn from March 31 to April 1, anxiety would start to well up inside of me.  I’d start thinking, “It’s coming.  Eli’s birthday.  It’s coming. What are we going to do?  How are we going to celebrate?  Do I want to be alone? Do I want to go out? Do I want to hide?”  There is this huge range of emotions that kinda go nuts inside of me.  I think I squash it down and hide it well in front of others, except for my husband an my children.  They get the brunt of my short temper and breakdowns. 

This year, I was talking to Mike about how “it” was coming and he said something to me, that I had to really think long and hard about.  Ellison’s birthday is April 10th.  I love this little, vivacious girl with all my heart, but sadly she has gotten some of the brunt of my dis-like of April.  Her birthday has come and gone with not much excitement from me in the past, because I have not been excited about April and all that it entails.  I am thrilled for her birthday, but that’s about it. 

In the past, Ellison has not gotten what she was due in April.  She has not gotten and excited, thrilled mamma.  Instead she’s gotten a mom who is happy for her birthday, but hates the rest of the month.  So, this year, Mike shared with me what was on his heart and how I needed to change my focus for Ellison.  He wasn’t saying that I shouldn’t remember Eli, but he was saying that I had to make Ellison a big deal.  Simply because she is and we love her.  Every single little fiber of her amazingly huge personality.

Ellison’s birthday was fun.  For ten days, we reveled in Ellison.  We talked about her birthday coming and she couldn’t stand it.  By the time it showed up, I thought that our little girl was going to pass out from excitement!  She is bigger then life.  Seriously.  She is simply amazing and so totally opposite of me, but so totally alike at the same time.  Friends came for dinner.  She got wonderful gifts and we all loved on her BIG time. 

The rest of April kinda screeched by.  Eli’s birthday came with saddness and joy.  Saddness, because we miss him terribly, but joy because we’ll see him again. 

Anniversaries of those who have passed away are weird things.  They’re kinda awkward and I’ve always felt helpless and really unsure of my feelings.  I know what my feelings are, but should I push them down and pretend that I’m fine or lock myself up and embrace my feelings and be alone?  It’s all just weird.  I am grateful, though, that on this side of heaven, things are ugly and messy and never tidy, but on the other side things are beautiful and perfect.  I look forward to that.  I look forward to the beautiful and perfect.  To the day where we’re all at Jesus’ feet celebrating amazing birthdays with all my children at the right time.  When all of heaven is able to sing “Happy Birthday” to Ellison and to Eli just a couple of weeks apart. 

I’m learning to embrace April.  It’s just a month filled up with 30 days.  Each of those 30 days has something different that has been etched out by Jesus.  For us April 10th, is our daughter birthday.  April 25th is our son’s birthday and April 26th is the day our son went to be with Jesus.  Days, in which things are to be celebrated and things are to be remembered.  However, on each of those days, Jesus ordained them.  He created them.  He is to be glorified in them.  So, that’s what I’ll do.  I’ll glorify Jesus and celebrate my children in those special days. 

April’s not so bad…

 April

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