About 6 years ago, I was pregnant with our youngest, Boston. I was cooking dinner one night and our oldest, Josiah, who was 7 at the time, was coloring at the kitchen table. I was off in my own little world, focused on what I was doing, and Josiah looked up at me and said, “Mom, if my sisters die and if you and Dad die and if everyone in my family dies, I will still love Jesus and believe in God.” I dropped the knife in my hand onto the cutting board, looked up at him, walked over to him, looked him straight in the eye and through tears, said, “Never ever forget that you told me that. Never forget it. Remember these words and hold them in your heart, because life gets hard and we forget when bad things happen that we love Jesus and that we believe in God.” I gave him a hug and then went on about my cooking through tears.
15 months ago after The Accident, I wondered if Josiah remembered that conversation from years before. I wondered if he remembered those words he told me in his innocence. He knew at 7 that he had a younger brother with Jesus, but he didn’t remember going to the hospital and seeing him, but he saw us grieve and maybe he remembered us clinging and trying to figure out Truth. After The Accident, our kids still love Jesus, I think. I cannot make the assumption on my own, but they claim to and I trust the Lord that He has them in the palm of His hand. I feel so badly that they have had to struggle this way. Struggle with pain that we shouldn’t struggle with, but I’m hoping that through it, they will not see that God’s will is not always about us, but it is about God always receiving glory in our life.
Saying “Thy Will Be Done” scares me. It scares me because when we say those words, we don’t always know what they mean. When we whisper them in pain and in worship, we don’t fully understand God’s intentions, but we are also saying, “I’m Yours.” We are also saying, “I’ve got nothing. You have everything. Help.”
Those four words have a very big meaning.
Jesus cried them out in the Garden before his arrest, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42) He gave the ultimate sacrifice and He suffered the most out of anyone who has ever lived.
I know that life can take more twists and turns. I know that more things are going to break. More grief is going to be met. More suffering will be had. My prayer is that I can say, “Thy Will Be Done.” I pray that I can somehow be that steadfast and still ask the whys and be content when I don’t get answers. I pray that my children can still say, “Thy Will Be Done” when continues to throw punches and the experiences that God ordained long before time take place, their hearts will be steadfast, because living out “Thy Will” is not about how we are feeling, it’s about our knowledge of the Truth. It’s about knowing the steadfast love of our Lord. It is about knowing the sacrifice that our Lord made for us. It is about being confident as to where our hope and joy lie and that this world is not our home. We must be confident that Jesus is enough for this life until we are Home.
O God, from my youth you have taught me,
and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
So even to old age and gray hairs,
O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
your power to all those to come.
Your righteousness, O God,
teaches the high heavens.
You who have done great things,
O God, who is like you?
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
you will bring me up again.
You will increase my greatness
and comfort me again.
I will also praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praises to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
My lips will shout for joy,
when I sing praises to you;
my soul also, which you have redeemed.
And my tongue will talk of your righteous help all the day long,
for they have been put to shame and disappointed
who sought to do me hurt.