Raw Honesty

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My husband, Mike, is genuine. One of the reasons I fell in love with him, was his honesty in our conversations about his life before Jesus saved him and then his honesty in real life struggles. He pushes me for honesty each day and usually my response of, “Fine,” is never sufficient, nor should it be when we are living life together as one.

Mike wrote the words below the day before our son, Boston’s birthday, a couple of months ago. I love him for writing these words and for sharing them with the world on Facebook when he did. They were hard, but true words to write. If you guys are ever wondering about joy and where our joy and hope come from, it is simply Jesus. We have no fluff. We have nor pomp or circumstance, we simply have Jesus and it is on Him we depend.

 

Ever accidentally kill your son/daughter? Well, this post is for you. You are among the most guilty, because you chose to be guilty. But there is grace.

Tomorrow my son, Boston, would be 6 years old. About 18 months ago, I tragically, accidentally backed over my son killing him instantly. Yes, you might have the air sucked out of you now after reading this but I live with it daily. Guilt tries to seep in. I can ask why me? I can entertain the What IF’s. But you know what, I can’t go back. Back to that tragic day when my son went from joyful emphatic living to no longer alive. My dog was acting weird barking and circling the truck, but I didn’t pay attention. I continued to reverse out of my parking spot in my lifted dualy 4×4 truck. I did look in my mirrors and I did check my windshield mirror, but my son was a 4 year old and a midget, and I still don’t know why he was back there… Was he playing on the back of the truck and realized that it was moving and jumped off? Or did he just run out into the parking lot?  I, sadly, don’t know, nor will I ever know till I am eternal.

If you are reading this and you have all your children, kiss them, hug them, hold them and love them even when they are difficult, but if you are the person that accidentally took your child’s life, you are not alone. It sucks. I have lived a hard life full of tragedies and this is the worst I’ve experienced. It is so depressing, you are the one that caused the death, or so you think. (God is sovereign).

If you don’t believe in God, then you are desperate, even suicidal, but if you do believe in God and read his Spirit infused book, the Holy Bible, you will learn that even in this tragic, horrific loss, he is still with you and holding you and comforting you. HE IS SOVEREIGN.

We live our lives and it’s so quick. Even if you live to 100 without grey hair, it’s still quick, because when you are 100 you are not 31. You are 100 and living in the 100 present. I hope I don’t live that long, but if its His will I will be honored.

All this to say, hey, life is tough.  Yes, you have experienced a tough, tough event, but here is where the rubber meets the road. God will be glorified. You can either worship and rest in Him or you can be your own god and call your own shots. He will be Glorified either way. As for me, I choose to be broken, wrecked and shattered. I am nothing and He is everything. I am weak and He is strong. I am just a piece of clay dug out of the ground that the potter chose to mold into something that broke and I’m cool with that, because its not about me and my objectives in this split second of a life. Its about Jesus and what he did on the cross to bring us close to him.

Jesus, perfect, without any faults, died in my place for my wrongdoings. Just so that he could be with me cause he realized (before time) that that was the only way we could experience the presence of God. And when you go through tragedy, he seems far away, but he is not. Just Rest. Be Still. Know that he is Good and Loves you. He died for anything you have done, including the mistaken death of your child and even the purposeful death of your child (abortion). He died for it all. There is nothing he didn’t die for other than your rejection. If you reject him, he will still be glorified. I will not explain this, you need to read his Good book to understand.

So here I am almost 18 months into the worst thing that my life has experienced. Yes, a cry often. Yes, I am saddened. Yes, I am broken and wrecked. But, my hope is in Jesus. My joy is in Salvation, his salvation, which he has offered to me and I hope he offers to you. We don’t find God.  He finds us. Are you findable? He loves you and all you have to do is give up and let him come into your life. Call out to him in your brokenness.

If you haven’t accidentally killed your child, it doesn’t mean you aren’t going through hardships. A breakup with a girl/boy is tough, losing a job is tough, being made fun of at school is tough. It’s all suffering.

After the accident many people told me they were praying that my heart would be healed. It was genuine on their part, but unless God made a time machine and took me back to seconds before the accident and said, “Hey. Stop. Get out of your truck,” and my son was still here would it be healed. That’s just a fact folks.

Instead I pray that by God’s grace I will suffer well. So if you pray for me, pray that I suffer well and give Him the glory he deserves.

Am I perfect? Heck no. But he is and HE is where I put my trust. Love you all.

 

Please share with whomever you’d like.

 Raw Honesty

2 Comments

  1. Cindy | |

    It totally impacted me when I read this before and it still is resonating in my soul.The other night I was keeping my granddaughter overnight. She kept waking up every 2 hours. She is 18mo. I was praying like crazy that she would sleep. Then when she wouldn’t I prayed, Let me suffer well. Peace flooded my soul and she finally went to sleep. Its a vetu good prayer, Mike Bates!

  2. Carrie | |

    Mike & Michelle…
    Thank you for being brave. This honest account of your tragedy is heart-wrenching but full of hope. Your words will no doubt encourage the people who hear your story, but I’m sorry you have to walk this road. I am in the middle of writing a book for a couple about their grief and loss, and the grace you speak of is how they move through life, too. Suffer well and be encouraged; your story is not over.

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