I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.
I have five children. Two of my sons are Home before me.
I can relate to David’s words in this Psalm. I have flooded my bed with tears. My groans are deep, but through my grief and watching my husband and my other children grieve, I have groaned deeply for my Lord. I have asked Him questions and I have begged for answers. And I have often been met with silence, because I will not have answers on this side of Heaven.
When the grief is so deep and hard, and the world doesn’t stop and we have to continue to mother our children. We need to continue to walk the road of grief with them. Sometimes it is an older child excited about a new sister or brother, but went Home early through a miscarriage, was born still or passed away after the first few days of being born. We still need to walk with our children in the midst of our grief and theirs, because they are feeling something too. No matter their age.
Our oldest son was two when our second son, Eli, went Home the day after he was born. After a difficult pregnancy I was home after being in the hospital for 3 weeks on bedrest and he knew that things were wonky. I had help, but conversations also happened months and years later.
We had a service for Eli. We honored him and celebrated his short life. We have momentos from the hospital. A box full of pictures, diapers, blood pressure cuff, a hospital blanket, cards from friends and the urn that my husband had handcrafted for him out of apple wood. Josiah would ask to look at pictures and then younger siblings began to ask as well. Even though our son only lived for a day, he was an intrical part of our family. We talk about him. We miss him. We would grieve together and wonder how life would be different with a boy smack in the middle of two girls.
Boston, our youngest, had been an unexpected addition, but a very welcome and grateful one. He had been in our lives for four years. We all have memories, funny stories, jokes, special toys, monster trucks and each time we find a turtle we get excited and shed a tear, because our boy loved turtles. Jesus had used him to heal my heart from fear and trepidation. My youngest son was full of life, joyful and beautiful. He was taken Home quickly and unexpectedly.
One afternoon while I was cooking lunch my son was taken Home. We all experienced him. We have grieved together and individually. It has been a very difficult, trying, desperate and sweet time. The Lord has been gracious. We have all grappled for Him. We have all asked Him to remind us of the Gospel and we have all asked why-like King David did in Psalm 6. Wondering how long and why God would allow such pain to a mother and her children.
Tim Keller said, “Job never saw why he suffered, but he saw God, and that was enough.” We have been compared to Job. A lot. I really don’t like it, but I like this. We will never know the why and when my children ask, I need to tell them honestly that I do not know, but I trust God. In the midst of their pain, I need to remind them that we are in this together. We are struggling together and we are there for one another. I don’t even believe that I will know the why when I reach Home, but I do know that we have seen God here. We have seen His goodness. We have seen His faithfulness. We have seen the Gospel.
His goodness=Christ’s perfect life, death and resurrection for us. For THIS. He conquered death for us. To give us life. To give us hope. To give us a security to know that this is not all there is. This is not our home. Our Home is with Jesus where there will be no more tears or pain. (Romans 8:1-11 and Revelation 21:4)
His faithfulness=He will never let us go. No matter how much we stumble. No matter how much we cry out. He has a grip on us. (Eph. 3:14-19)
He is enough=No matter what is thrown at us. He is enough. He is enough because He has proven Himself before us. (Lamentations 3:22-24 & 31-33)
I must remind my children of these three things. Over and over again. He is good. He is faithful. He is enough.
I must remind myself that He is good. He is faithful. He is enough. Sometimes on an hourly basis.
I know that He is enough because He has proven His faithfulness through His Son. Through our deep pain, we can praise him. Even if it is just quiet tears of grief, we can praise Him. The Psalmists did. “I will bless the Lord at ALL times; his praise shall continually be on my lips.” (Psalm 34:1)
It is hard to praise the Lord at all times. We wonder if He knew what the ALL times were going to be, because the hard times are too overwhelming when it involves, death, divorce, relationship struggles and disobedient children. But, He knows. He knows well. That’s why He came, so that He would know and so that we would know that He knows. He is a Man of sorrows and a Man of comfort full of grace and mercy especially in the darkest of times.
Take heart, my friends, He HAS overcome the world.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.