"When darkness veils it's lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace." ~Edward Mote

April has come and gone.  I’m quite thankful.  I will say, however, that it was the best April in a long time.

Let me explain…

For the last several years, once the calendar would turn from March 31 to April 1, anxiety would start to well up inside of me.  I’d start thinking, “It’s coming.  Eli’s birthday.  It’s coming. What are we going to do?  How are we going to celebrate?  Do I want to be alone? Do I want to go out? Do I want to hide?”  There is this huge range of emotions that kinda go nuts inside of me.  I think I squash it down and hide it well in front of others, except for my husband an my children.  They get the brunt of my short temper and breakdowns. 

This year, I was talking to Mike about how “it” was coming and he said something to me, that I had to really think long and hard about.  Ellison’s birthday is April 10th.  I love this little, vivacious girl with all my heart, but sadly she has gotten some of the brunt of my dis-like of April.  Her birthday has come and gone with not much excitement from me in the past, because I have not been excited about April and all that it entails.  I am thrilled for her birthday, but that’s about it. 

In the past, Ellison has not gotten what she was due in April.  She has not gotten and excited, thrilled mamma.  Instead she’s gotten a mom who is happy for her birthday, but hates the rest of the month.  So, this year, Mike shared with me what was on his heart and how I needed to change my focus for Ellison.  He wasn’t saying that I shouldn’t remember Eli, but he was saying that I had to make Ellison a big deal.  Simply because she is and we love her.  Every single little fiber of her amazingly huge personality.

Ellison’s birthday was fun.  For ten days, we reveled in Ellison.  We talked about her birthday coming and she couldn’t stand it.  By the time it showed up, I thought that our little girl was going to pass out from excitement!  She is bigger then life.  Seriously.  She is simply amazing and so totally opposite of me, but so totally alike at the same time.  Friends came for dinner.  She got wonderful gifts and we all loved on her BIG time. 

The rest of April kinda screeched by.  Eli’s birthday came with saddness and joy.  Saddness, because we miss him terribly, but joy because we’ll see him again. 

Anniversaries of those who have passed away are weird things.  They’re kinda awkward and I’ve always felt helpless and really unsure of my feelings.  I know what my feelings are, but should I push them down and pretend that I’m fine or lock myself up and embrace my feelings and be alone?  It’s all just weird.  I am grateful, though, that on this side of heaven, things are ugly and messy and never tidy, but on the other side things are beautiful and perfect.  I look forward to that.  I look forward to the beautiful and perfect.  To the day where we’re all at Jesus’ feet celebrating amazing birthdays with all my children at the right time.  When all of heaven is able to sing “Happy Birthday” to Ellison and to Eli just a couple of weeks apart. 

I’m learning to embrace April.  It’s just a month filled up with 30 days.  Each of those 30 days has something different that has been etched out by Jesus.  For us April 10th, is our daughter birthday.  April 25th is our son’s birthday and April 26th is the day our son went to be with Jesus.  Days, in which things are to be celebrated and things are to be remembered.  However, on each of those days, Jesus ordained them.  He created them.  He is to be glorified in them.  So, that’s what I’ll do.  I’ll glorify Jesus and celebrate my children in those special days. 

April’s not so bad…

Dear Eli,

Happy Birthday.  You’d be four today.  Daddy and I love you so much and we miss you with a passion.  The ache in our hearts have eased, but it’s still a bit achey.  Especially the next couple of days. 

If you were here, Josiah would be teaching you how to put little Legos together, you would be loving, hugging, arguing, playing, jumping, wrestling and protecting both of your sisters.  Josiah and you would be two peas in a pod.  Hanging out with one another.  Giving each other knuckles, pats on backs, building forts, playing with sticks that turned into swords, guns, lightsabers or whatever your imagination wanted them to be.  You and Josiah would be the princes, and the girls the princesses.  You’d be protecting them from the dragon in their castle (playhouse), while they squealed with delight when you won the battle. 

Daddy would have another tag along in the backyard while he worked on his Landcruisers, or tractors.  You’d be an expert wrench and a screwdriver user.  You’d probably would’ve already taken a few things apart by now, in hopes to figure out how to put them back together.  Daddy would be pitching you balls in the backyard and you and Josiah would be chasing after the soccer ball he kicked towards you both. 

You’d probably help me make bread or plant the garden.  We would snuggle on the couch and read a book.  We’d put a puzzle together.  We’d play with the cars and trucks.  Snuggle and watch Cars  together.  Or run circles around the kitchen and the living room with Josiah, Tullie and Ellison. 

That’s what I imagine life would be like if you were here.  I don’t know if that would have been accuarte, but I’d like to think that it would be.  Instead, you’re with Jesus.  You’re hanging with him.  I bet your birthday party is big.  The angels sang when you were born and I’m sure they’re singing with you now. 

Your short life became pretty amazing.  How Jesus has used you for His glory is simply amazing.  Our hearts are full of Him. 

We love you sweet Eli.  We love you a lot.  Our hearts ache because we miss you so much, but we also know you’re safe and we’ll be reunited one day.

We’ll see you soon,

Daddy and Mommy

When I was in college, a boy and I broke up.  Looking back on it, it seems so trite and I wonder why it consumed a couple of years of my life, but there is one significant thing that I was taught. 

One day I was in my room, crying my eyes out, all sad and filled with self pity, when I felt like Jesus spoke to me.  He said, “This will not be the hardest thing that you ever endure.  You will feel much more pain then this in your life.  I’m using this to begin teaching you about pain.”  At first, I thought it was me just trying to rationalize how I was feeling, but over time I kept those words in my heart and I didn’t share them with anyone.  I didn’t share them with Mike until after Tullie was born and Eli passed away.  I didn’t always think about them, but I remembered the small conversation I had with Jesus that day over the last several years.   In all honesty, I never thought that those words would hold any type of comfort to me in the future. 

After Tullie was born, I had a friend who was asking about her.  Her diagnosis, what her life would be like and other questions that were similar.  When we were nearing the end of the conversation, she said, “I couldn’t do that.  I couldn’t be a mother to a special needs child.”  I thought, “And you think I can?!?!  I have sooo much experience in this area, right?!?!”  I nodded graciously to her, but I left that conversation thinking, that I couldn’t do it either.  Jesus didn’t ask me if I wanted Tullie, He gave her to me.  He just said that that was what we were going to do.  Mike and I were parents to a child with Down Syndrome.  He didn’t ask us, He just entrusted her to us, knowing that we would take care of her.  It was just the way it was.  We didn’t have a choice. 

The same thing happened 10 months later.  Jesus didn’t ask me to give Eli back to Him.  He took him back.  I’ve been angry about that.  I’ve been sad about that (especially today), but Jesus has taught me much through that.  He has broken  us in a way that we would’ve never been broken before Him, if Eli were with us today running and playing with Josiah in the dirt. 

When people look at my life, and they tell me they can’t do it, I tell them that they could.  They could because Jesus told them to.  They’d do it because they didn’t have any other choice.   They’d do it, because, His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)

With any trial and pain that our Lord asks us to go through, or sometimes tells us to go through, because it’s simply landed in our lap, He grace is sufficient.  It’s all we need.  Our Lord is enough and He will walk with us through the valley, because He brought us there.  He’s not going to leave us there.   We will mature and we will blossom if we keep our eyes and focus on Him.  He is the God of comfort and love.  He is gracious and merciful.

 I think about that girl in college who was crying over a boy, thinking that her life was coming to an end and I shake my head at that.  I think about how immature she was and trite, but how much that girl learned before she graduated from college.  I think about how God blessed her with an amazing husband, who loves her, cares for her and thinks more of the family then he does of himself.  This girl has been through much, but Jesus is the one who has brought her through.  It’s all Him.  Nothing about what she did or how she did it.  It’s all Jesus.  The pain of loss is there, but the comfort, hope and peace that wraps that pain like a blanket is from Jesus.  All glory goes to Him.

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Dear Ellison,

You are three!  THREE!  We can hardly believe it.  It’s been a fast, eventful, fun three years with you around.  You are an amazing little girl filled with spunk, joy, laughter, hugs, kisses, lipstick and just enough craziness to make it even more fun. 

You were born at the perfect time.  God’s time.  His timing is always perfect.  You were born screaming with energy.  FULL of life.  When you breathed your first breath, you let everyone know that you were here and that you were here to stay.  Everyday, you let us know that you’re awake and you’ll be awake and active till it’s time for a nap or bedtime.  You’re love of life and vivaciousness is infectious.

You are a wonderful sister.  Wonderful.  Josiah and you are playing spy running around the house looking for things under beds, under tables, on windowsills, in the couch cushions, in sinks and anywhere else.  I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but it must be important.  I hope you catch the guy or thing that you’re looking for… 

When Tullie walks in the door from school you two act like you haven’t seen each other for a week.  So many hugs and kisses go around.  It’s very cute and very funny.  You and Tullie have a very fun relationship and you love one another very much.

You are three!  You are a big girl!  You are a beautiful girl!  You love to sing, dance, sit on laps and be with  your daddy. 

Happy Birthday Sweet Thing!  You are amazing.  You are loved.  Jesus sent you to us at just the right time!

Love,

Daddy and Mommy

Isaiah 53

 ¹ Who has believed what he has heard from us?
   And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
²For he grew up before him like a young plant,
        and like a root out of dry ground;
 he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
   and no beauty that we should desire him.
³ He was despised and rejected by men;
   a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
   he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

 ⁴ Surely he has borne our griefs
   and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
    smitten by God, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was wounded for our transgressions;
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
    and with his stripes we are healed.
⁶ All we like sheep have gone astray;
   we have turned—every one—to his own way;
 and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.

 ⁷He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
    yet he opened not his mouth;
  like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
   and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
   so he opened not his mouth.
⁸By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
   and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
   stricken for the transgression of my people?
⁹And they made his grave with the wicked
    and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
   and there was no deceit in his mouth.

 ¹⁰Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush him;
   he has put him to grief;
 when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
   he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
 the will of the LORD shall prosper in his hand.

¹¹Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
    make many to be accounted righteous,
    and he shall bear their iniquities.
¹² Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,
    and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,
because he poured out his soul to death
   and was numbered with the transgressors;
       yet he bore the sin of many,
   and makes intercession for the transgressors.

(ESV, emphasis mine)

He suffered, so that in the midst of our suffering we may have hope.